my night went downhill once I lost my bikershorts. EAWSSSSYY ACCESS
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
her mom went out of her way to book us a room with separate beds... her level of gay denial is in beast mode
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
Omg I got up from his bed and almost did a header into the wall because I came so many times I forgot how to walk.
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
she has no right to get mad at us for drinking during the wedding. she's the one that chose the bridesmaid dresses with pockets.
Randomize
