Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
the tow truck driver and i bonded while discussing our experiences with four lokos
2 classes, 3 finals, and $30 worth of adderall until this semester is over.
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
so let me get this straight... she's showing a cameltoe that can be seen from the space station and I'm NOT supposed to stare?
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
you were so high you just watched the elf.... its spring
you asked me how to turn on the ladder
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
Randomize
