Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
That's crazy. Wow that lady must be fucked up
Yeah I hope she's okay.
I'm still going to fuck her husband but I do hope she's okay.
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
Verdict: uncircumcised.
Randomize
