i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
ya she's here .. it looks like she just gave up and passed out on the floor
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
So. I need to gloat. I couldn't exactly tell my family that I won this game by deep throating.
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
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