you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
Randomize
