YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
I'm so sorry for trying to eat your puzzle last night...
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
Randomize
