SECOND walk of shame from the westside Hilton, SECOND foreign family w kids staring at me in my dress, glitter purse, spiky heels and booze breath. I said I was going to church. More confusion.
Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
Is it bad when your hot neighbor is crying on her porch, and your 2nd thought is "maybe her boyfriend cheated on her and she'll want to fuck me for revenge sex?"
Perfectly normal.
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
I think it's important to not involve Bar Food in any near future decisions.
And Mike keeps telling Will that love at first sight is true and this is just a shit show. Help.
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
You're a brave, albeit stupid soul for wanting in on the fuckery that comes attached to my vagina
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