i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
And i'll likely end up sleeping in a bush wrapped up in my poncho
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
Threw up in hyvee parking lot. Thanksgiving shopping complete.
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
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