the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
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Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
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i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
I AM SO HORNY, I AM GOING TO DIE. I NEED SOMEONE TO WISH MY VAGINA A MERRY CHRISTMAS.
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
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