Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
i just uploaded pictures of my nephew, and you & d puking in the same toilet. i think i should keep them in the same album. show my nephew what he has to look forward to.
Facebook stalking a girl from Germany is harder then you think.you have to copy and paste all this shit into freetranslations.com then try and piece together an awkward sentence. If only I could put this energy into something productive.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
Also I'm proud of us for having an educational conversation in this group text.
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
I always knew ther was a reason why we're best friends
Obvs our love of drugs
I like to think of it more as our love of curiosity
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
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