hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
the girls on my floor started fighting over who got to keep the random hoodies that boys forgot in my room after sex
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
You've discovered your super power: Your Vagina
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
Randomize
