He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
On my list on ridiculous morning after bus rides home, still sopping wet and carrying a giant straw hat is definitely top five
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
then he tried to tell me how many times he had seen Scott's dick. his estimate was about 180 times. he thought I didn't understand.
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
Ok she stopped using her fork and knife and is legit eating that steak using her hands.
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
Randomize
