I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.
Stop blaming waffle house for all your problems
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
I think if I could use my boobs as a second pair of hands everything would be ok
We all just did coke and we're coloring so if you're sober its pointless for you to come over here
How do you feel? I threw up in a towel. Also, a lot of other things.
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
just call my name and ill be there, if we are puking, beating up bitches, or pickin up men, OR avoiding wierd men, so many situations require a wingman
Ate a slug for 39 dollars
I wouldn't expect anything less from a PhD student
Who did he bring home?
Idk. But did you see her shoe choice by the stairs, I'm really not expecting anything great.
Randomize
