i just saw an asian skipping down the street and it made me think of you
So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
he refuses to go down on me anymore when he's high because he thinks my clit piercing stares at him
I either date the nice guys or the assholes. There isn't any in between.
You need to find a taint.
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he asked me if i had ever jacked off high and then referred to it as a "man-to-man question"
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
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Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?