dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
Last day of classes. 1st day attending every class. I'm proud of myself
this is a time for prayers...seriously
let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
23 Crazy Psychological Tricks You Have To Try on Someone RIGHT NOW
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
$200 on plane. $110 on train. $5 per drink on plane. $15 per case on train. Plane 1 hour flight. Train 9 hour excursion. Hmmmmm.
These 25 People Forgave their Significant Others for Saying Stupid Things
I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.