Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
He's had mdma poured down his throat. He's getting huggy.
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
You said that about some fat chick sitting on the base of a lamp post and puking. Downright heroic.
and it seems i've caught your masturbating bug. thanks.
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
I just realized that in 3 weeks it becomes sad if I make everything into a drinking game. Fuck growing up
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.