there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
well in DOG beers, i've only had one
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
Randomize
