Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
About the whale....I wasn't completely awake.
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Randomize
