My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
Hey, what are you up to?
Drinking wine with the guys and watching 7 Pounds.
Looking back I guess I could have changed that to beer and Die Hard.
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
they said he just opened the front of his shirt and threw up alll over himself
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
She has a facebook friends list called oops. theres 33 people in it. she said its all the guys she regrets fucking.
We made it a contest to fuck on everything in your room while you were on vacation.
What do you mean how did you end up there? You told him he had a face you'd like to ride, that's a deal sealer in any language.
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
We crashed a rave, threw glitter all over Gay Dan and the bartender, broke a chandelier and called ourselves the Kings of Neon.
saying, "have a good fall!" After fucking a virgin boy is good etiquette, right?
I know he’s a bad decision but he's casual, his penis is amazing and his technique is on point.
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
Randomize
