I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
this is never going to happen for me, I think he thinks I'm crazy
well you did scream "PLEASE! I'LL S YOUR D IN FRONT OF EVERYONE"
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
I would have done it. But then again I am a starving student who can manipulate my brain into thinking my decision was somehow morally justifiable.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
Possibly having a threesome with my ex boyfriend and his current girlfriend was great closure on that subject
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
I have never been that aroused while laughing my ass off in my life
Randomize
