I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
the last thing i remember is ordering pitchers of white russians....
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
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