Last nIght I drank wIth the new guy from fellowshIp & my pastor I've known sInce I was 7. It was agreed by them that I had nIce tIts. I'm not weIrded out In fact I'm flattered...
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
Its official, kitchen-couch is my favorite.
You passed out again didn't you?
its likely that this occurred.
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
Randomize
