i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
Would it be totally wrong, that in honor of princess leias death, I role played as her??
I hate that I still want him to look at me as the vagina that got away.
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
How naked do you want me to be?
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
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