so... another position just opened up(704) Oh really?(704) Is it John's?(704) Or did you find a new way to take a penis?
my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
He said he loved me more than Kel loves orange soda
the result of growing up in the '90's
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
And then he peed in my hair
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