My mind said no, but my drink said yes.
i wish i could "like" people's thoughts in real life like i can on facebook
you can....by speaking....
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
He said "what's the haps". I don't know what the haps are but there goes his chances
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
Randomize
