I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
she just stood in the kitchen yelling "REAL WOMEN HAVE CURVES"
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
What’s the best way to find out if he’s into anal?
I think you have the wrong number, but good luck with that
Randomize
