By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
dude, she has braces
i meant the dude w the ponytail.
i was less creeped out when i thought you were talking about the 14 y.o.
I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
We got a party bus for the nite. I found out the hard way why stripper poles are meant for girls.
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
Being a slut is okay if you're being a polite slut, right?
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
He gave me such a powerful orgasm I blurted out I love you. This is why just rebouding out of a serouis relationship is awkward.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
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