I don't smoke a lot but now and then I do. Weed and I are like still standing naked in a bathroom together deciding if we should blow one another or bolt for the exit. An awkward relationship.
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
just bought a $25 eighth from a chick who has a kid. i'm helping my community out right?
I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
This is Ryan, Kristin's husband. I don't know if you meant to send that pic to me at 3am. You may want to call Kristin. Neat piercing though.
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
Randomize
