I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
Oh, and she's that dumb bitch that goes out in public in full make up and sweats with uggs. I hope she falls face first in a bowl of queso and drowns
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
dont iron anything. we fucked on the ironing board. details to follow.
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
PROFESSOR JUST TOOK A SHOT WITH US BEFORE CLASS. WELCOME TO THE LAST DAY OF FINALS.
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
Tomorrow we start training our livers for St.Patrick's day. May God be with us.
So Blakes coming home... so if youre like fingerbanging the shit out of yourself on the kitchen table...wrap it up
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
Randomize
