I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
there really is only one way to give a PowerPoint presentation in your senior capstone class: still drunk.
Why is your signature on my underwear?
Even my vagina gasped.
How do I respond to this?! It's not easy to say "you're hot & the sex was good, but outside the bedroom you scare me"
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
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