i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
I'm not the type to go to a guys house...in your case his boat...and sleep with them..I mean I have in the past but I'm trying to be more serious and grown up
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
Just saw Little Red Riding Hood riding a guy on hood of a car
Good for her for committing to the costume
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