We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
We basically counted to 3 and then dumped each other.
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed...
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
really enjoying the fact I don't remember how the staff party ended. feel like I need to shame drink today
feel at noon?
Randomize
