I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
At a pool hall. Dudes walkin around with fuzzy handcuffs cuffed to his belt. The douche bag level grows higher still
Eventually the creepy theater major quirks will come out. Probably in bed. Like role playing as the Phantom of the Opera
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
Hes back in his dorm room dancing naked with 3D glasses on.
and he said that acid doesnt really do anything to him...
Randomize
