I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
I just saw Sharon Stone's cootch in high def. I think I'll stay gay.
Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
I don't remember anything but yelling at the ref in Spanish.
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
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