my mouth tastes like poor choices
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
Nothing is worse than puking naked in front of strangers
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
So fucked up. Can't tell if I'm starving or about to puke. Playing it safe and eating froot loops. Tasty in, colorful out.
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
If you were more comfortable around gay men, then you too could get wasted at the gay dance club and go home with hot girls.
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
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