like if someone fucked a dictionary but instead of having a penis, it was just one of those leap frog educational toys
I hope to god you are high
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
I miss vodka workout Fridays
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
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