i wish peter jackson would direct porn
drugs are my only escape from this reality. good thing I got it at a discount price last night
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
i was about to cum until he started doing shrek impressions.
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
Clearly it doesn't get better with age. Just more sexual
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
