in vegas stuck in the middle of a pride right now
Pride?
thats a pack of cougars
go fuck yourself
Is it a bad sign when i blow my nose && can smell vodka?
mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
The guy in the cast riped the tap off the keg and hit steve with it
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
Randomize
