There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.
Your pregnant arnt you
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
what the fuck is a social media consultant, who does she consult for, and how bad is she at it? her facebook account is currently hacked and posting ads for the ipad 2 on my newsfeed
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
I will always remember that night by waking up in that tablecloth the next morning
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
Randomize
