the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
he kept his composure pretty well until he puked on the cop car
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
If I had to give her an idea on what it means to be ur date I would compare it to being Ralph macchio's gf in the first karate kid... That's one of the coolest things I've ever said... I love drugs.
At one point, you closed your eyes and asked me which 'six flags' we were at
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
He put your tit in his mouth. Professionalism is out the window after that.
okay valid
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
Randomize
