Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
I hate that we are older than the real world people now
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
The two of us went back to your place, had sex, peed in cups, then i went home. Literally all i know
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