I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
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