note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
I feel like every picture I upload of him on facebook where you can see his purity ring, I should make the caption "something in this picture does not belong"
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
omg his dad is hot
... I'm currently away at the moment. Leave a msg since I cannot express how much I can't help you stop ruining peoples lives.
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
If he flies out here I will sleep with him. I have morals, but not when it comes to southern accents
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
Randomize
