i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
He left with a pair of dress shoes, some goggles, and a shot glass. I think we should follow him.
what kind of wine goes with anal sex and shame?
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
do we own a ladder
We do not.
then how am i on the roof
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
You can't just beat off while driving someone else's car. Thats a rule
Thats your rule and this car is nice
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
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