Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
then she kicked a hole in her own door and the next thing you know, brian's walking up to her room with power tools. in no condition to use them
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
I ate you ate to the whole david gray album
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
dude the last time we saw him was 2 nights ago when he was yelling that the trees were naked or some shit then he ran into the forest. I think its time for a search party
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
I just didn't expect to have anal in a retail store at 9 AM on a Tuesday.
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