Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
tweet Hawks Win!! tweet
That's how twitter works, right?
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
Is it wrong i wouldn't sleep with him because his boxers said #1 dad all over them?
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
You spent the whole night conversing with your zombie poster, so I'd say you were pretty far gone.
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
Randomize
