I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
your facebook page is a work of drunk art.
He played a tape of his mad rapping skills after the final...his rapper name was Mad Stylz and he rapped about all the pussy he got in the 90's. I love Sociology.
You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.
I just hope when I turn 21, it doesn't tank my entire semester.
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
You woke up butt naked, peed yourself said something about jumbo shrimp, and passed back out 10 seconds ltr..
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Randomize
