i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
trying to line up a DD for St Pats Day. i guarantee i will put out. or puke and pass out. really its 50/50 at this point.
i feel like im paying for every hangover i didnt experience last year as a freshman. thank you sophomore year.
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
Randomize
