omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
oh and i feel obligated to inform you that there will be no sexin' because it's 'lady time' for me. so this ain't a booty call.
Is it bad that when I see ugly people make out, I hope he's impotent?
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
CNN just did a special on how to do heroin safely.. I recorded it for us
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
It's just one of those nights that , as long as you have the drugs, everything is going to be alright.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
Basically we had a threesome in one room and a fivesome in the next room. Its what I like to call a win win situation.
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
