Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
it's my sixth sense. If there's an orgy within 20 miles of me i'll know about if. Or be a part of it.
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
I think his dick was bigger than his dog
too bad we didn't bet. my 38-1 tears would have made great lubrication for a blow job.
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
I did what i always do when i miss him; masturbate and watch Bridges of Madison County.
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
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