She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
Hey when you wake up and read this, we really need to stop pullin our dicks out when we drink dude. I have all the pics, yall are assholes
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
Qdoba locked their bathrooms last night.. I suppose so people didn't pee all over them? I considered it counter productive considering I just peed on the outside of their building then. I had to pee
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
Randomize
