I just want to sing "highway to the danger zone" when I'm taking his pants off.
she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
Yea i traded my bed for half a bag of jimmy johns jalepno chips, am I proud of it no, Am I happy I did it? yes
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
Day 1 of "Death of a Liver" weekend complete. It came with flashbacks of horrible mistakes I made due to alcohol. I'm excited for how Sunday is going to turn out.
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
Randomize
