I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
he put listerine on his cock to make the taste more "enjoyable"... i think hes a keeper.
dude there's automatic no homos on brad Pitt and Leonardo dicaprio. Everyone knows that
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
I keep hearing lesbian porn and I'm the only one home. I don't think this is healthy
Using our apartments online floor/space planner to see how many beer pong tables we can fit. Dont think they had this in mind when they put this thing online.
Probably not lol but were fitting as many as possible
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
Randomize
