I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
you drank 3/4s of your half gallon of vodka, made a fort out of the kitchen table, and actaually had sex in in it.
The panties match.
I'll be right there.
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
Does the blue bra belong to your sister or cousin?
You are right. The scrape marks on her ass are from her breaking the doggy door by crawling through it.
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
So wait. Let me get this straight lol... you... are are considering offering fetish services to "trample and own" someone for $80 in order to pay for someone to come organize ur shit? Pure genius.
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
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