too bad you live with your parents still
kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
woke up to find i out made out with his roommate before hooking up with him. breakfast was awkward to say the least
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
Randomize
