1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She's so nice... She deserves all the dicks.
well ya only live once...
that cant be your answer for every horrible thing you do
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
Ha. Yeah that's all I found you with this morning. Butt ass naked w my robe across your lap and your arms thrown back in handcuff position.
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