I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
Member that time when we got super drunk and had fun and fell in love
I remember it like it was tomorrow.
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
Ladies don't puke and tell
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
Randomize
