I was born with a shot glass in my hand
if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
Yup we found her. The bouncer was carrying her out
I think i got beer on your cat.
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
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